Mario Kart as One's Everything.

Right, so here we go, writing for three days in a row, Barney got shot by a G.I. Joe. Barney showed up to the intensive care unit at the closest hospital and when his friends heard what had happened, they showered him in flowers and "get well soon" cards and were in general very lovely to him. Barney was glad to count for himself so many friends; he urged them all to give his attacker another shot (!), but nobody ever really looked at G.I. Joe the same after that.

So let me tell you all a little of what I know about Mario Kart. No, no, it's no trouble at all. In fact, I insist. There are five versions: SNES Mario Kart, Mario Kart 64, Mario Kart: Double Dash for GameCube, Mario Kart Wii, Mario Kart: Super Circuit for Gameboy Advance. Rumor speaks of a sixth, for Nintendo DS, which I exclude from my reckoning due to an extreme prejudice against the Nintendo DS since they weren't around when I was growing up. (Not so much like a wayward parent as how I pretend Liam Neeson wasn't in Star Wars and Cillian Murphy wasn't in Justin Timberlake's In Time. Gentlemen: I know those roles were supposed to be jokes, but they weren't funny. You scared me.) But back to the DS: two whole screens? Back when I was a kid they made a Gameboy designed especially to fit in our pockets and we were glad.

But that's not the end of our little reverie today; kart-racing will take us farther than I expect you're expecting. With some video games, you want to lose yourself in the story. With others, you want to simulate assorted crimes and sundry misdeeds to no ill effect. Yet other games mess up your neurochemistry and throw blocks and arrows and jewels at you every time you close your eyes for years thence. But Mario Kart? That's a different beast altogether. It's not about racing computers to see if you get a high score. It's not about settling scores with friends, or to see who's the best. Indeed, it is as meaningful as truth itself, yet purposeless as the void. It's about zen, my friends.

Close your eyes. Open your heart. Imagine you're flying down Rainbow Road—any incarnation will do, though I like to suggest 64's interpretation. You suddenly have gustatory-visual synesthesia and you've been raised on a diet of every kind of sherbet. In time, you are yin's yang, black's white, and color's monochrome. It is war's peace, pride's prejudice, and truth's reconciliation. Together, you become stop's go, yes's no, in's out, and up's down. The race is for peace, and goodwill toward men is the finish line. Mario Kart is your existence. Mario Kart is zen. Mario Kart is, in sum, your jam.

So yeah, it's pretty fun, I guess. Super Smash Bros. is pretty good, too. And then there's always Tetris if you need it. Or real life, if you must. But try not to fall so far.