Boating Is as Boating Does, I Always Say.

I have this theory I've been working on, that goes a little something like this: the more you blog, the more interesting things start happening to you. Or at least, enjoyable things. I am certain it has nothing to do with counting blessings that were already there that I didn't notice. 100% sure on that one. It would ruin my theory.

Last night I went to this activity for a stake not my own that was—I kid you not—the best stake activity I have ever been to. (Let's put that in perspective: I'm sure I've been to at least a couple, I think.) Why so magnificent, you ask? They had boats. The kind that float on water. And don't sink with you in them.

Here's how it happened: I showed up, bright-eyed, ignorant, and naive, to just look around and see what this "having fun" nonsense was all about. I hear tell of boats. It is an activity at the lake, after all. Makes perfect sense. After soaking in the resplendent karaokial magnificence, I run into a friend of a friend of a friend who, having passed my rigorous friendship-of-a-friendship written examination, I have since co-opted to be friend of my own. They've already been on the waterborne vessels of infinite joy a couple times, and I insist we go again. We do. It's fun. It's the best activity I have ever been to. Wasn't even for my own stake. Incredible. Boating in all its manifestations is the best thing there is. The end.

Okay, a little side note here about "karaokial." That should definitely be a word. I don't want to hear it, auto-correct. Like "parochial," which I almost certainly can define but just don't want to, okay? Or... any number of other doubtlessly fine examples. Fine, I coined it. That's the power of blogging, my friends. Ancient English Etymological Dictionary of the Year 7056: entry "karaokial." First recorded use on a particularly handsome gentleman's blog near the beginning of recorded history. Definition unknown; related to the lost practice of "karaoke," likely an order of martial arts focusing in hand-to-hand combat. Special notes: one of the best words ever.

Second footnote. My blog's written style guide indicates that third parties will be referred to using the gender-neutral pronoun "they." I just decided this because I was noticing I did it but didn't want to fix it. Call me rebellious if you must, but I prefer the term "visionary." Either way, a style guide is a style guide, as I always say. I can't just disregard it, now can I?

Wut Up Chat. I Said Wut Up.

I meant to celebrate my blog's one-week-of-posts anniversary yesterday by actually telling somebody about my blog? But I forgot.

Speaking of... particular dates that are significant because of the time that's passed since something began? My dear little sis (henceforth and hereafter "DLS" on this blog; so shall it be, forever and ever) gets home from her mission (for the LDS Church) today.

There are so many different things I could say, but instead I'll highlight them in that one sentence with varying emphasis. She gets home from her mission today. She gets home from her mission today. She gets home from her mission today. She gets home from her mission today. She gets home from her mission today.

Maybe you're confused. Perhaps you misunderstand. I grant that I may have been unclear. Let me try again: she gets home from her mission today. Got that? We're good? All clear?

Very excited. Won't see her for a little while yet since she's actually moving farther away from me geographically, but thanks to our horses' hooves being counted like flint and our wheels like the whirlwind I'll be seeing her on Skype soon enough. Which is good, in case I have to turn her off. Which I'm kidding about. Or am I? You be the judge.

Weird. Missions are long, weird, time-manipulating creatures. Can't believe it's been a year and a half.

Mario Kart as One's Everything.

Right, so here we go, writing for three days in a row, Barney got shot by a G.I. Joe. Barney showed up to the intensive care unit at the closest hospital and when his friends heard what had happened, they showered him in flowers and "get well soon" cards and were in general very lovely to him. Barney was glad to count for himself so many friends; he urged them all to give his attacker another shot (!), but nobody ever really looked at G.I. Joe the same after that.

So let me tell you all a little of what I know about Mario Kart. No, no, it's no trouble at all. In fact, I insist. There are five versions: SNES Mario Kart, Mario Kart 64, Mario Kart: Double Dash for GameCube, Mario Kart Wii, Mario Kart: Super Circuit for Gameboy Advance. Rumor speaks of a sixth, for Nintendo DS, which I exclude from my reckoning due to an extreme prejudice against the Nintendo DS since they weren't around when I was growing up. (Not so much like a wayward parent as how I pretend Liam Neeson wasn't in Star Wars and Cillian Murphy wasn't in Justin Timberlake's In Time. Gentlemen: I know those roles were supposed to be jokes, but they weren't funny. You scared me.) But back to the DS: two whole screens? Back when I was a kid they made a Gameboy designed especially to fit in our pockets and we were glad.

But that's not the end of our little reverie today; kart-racing will take us farther than I expect you're expecting. With some video games, you want to lose yourself in the story. With others, you want to simulate assorted crimes and sundry misdeeds to no ill effect. Yet other games mess up your neurochemistry and throw blocks and arrows and jewels at you every time you close your eyes for years thence. But Mario Kart? That's a different beast altogether. It's not about racing computers to see if you get a high score. It's not about settling scores with friends, or to see who's the best. Indeed, it is as meaningful as truth itself, yet purposeless as the void. It's about zen, my friends.

Close your eyes. Open your heart. Imagine you're flying down Rainbow Road—any incarnation will do, though I like to suggest 64's interpretation. You suddenly have gustatory-visual synesthesia and you've been raised on a diet of every kind of sherbet. In time, you are yin's yang, black's white, and color's monochrome. It is war's peace, pride's prejudice, and truth's reconciliation. Together, you become stop's go, yes's no, in's out, and up's down. The race is for peace, and goodwill toward men is the finish line. Mario Kart is your existence. Mario Kart is zen. Mario Kart is, in sum, your jam.

So yeah, it's pretty fun, I guess. Super Smash Bros. is pretty good, too. And then there's always Tetris if you need it. Or real life, if you must. But try not to fall so far.